Tuesday, March 23, 2010

LIfe, so far

Four years of college life is now coming to an end. Here I am standing all alone, under a tall tree, in its shades and observing a kid in the park who is running after a puppy. All of a sudden now I realize that it has been long since I have chased puppies.
There was a time when I was a kid, running behind butterflies and observing blades of grasses for hours. I wanted to see a plant grow but then dad told me the plants grow only when I am in deep sleep, in day time the plants are afraid of me. I would feel so strong to know that I can connect with even a blade of grass. I knew for sure that there is one single thread that runs throughout the universe and everything interact with each other. I was so happy. Everything was meaning and full of wonder and beauty.
I cannot recall when exactly everything changed. I believe the things did not change overnight. The flood of thoughts and imagination was hindered by the bitter, cruel realities. The school and its education made me think differently and made me feel so weak. When I asked my geography teacher, ‘How do people at the South pole live, don’t they get crushed between the earth and the surface on which the earth rotates?’ I remember how she laughed and said the earth rotates in space. I didn’t like her. She broke my beliefs everyday and her mocking laughs brought bitterness to my innocent heart. Time kept passing and everything started becoming so obvious. I stopped questioning the teachers and eventually stopped thinking. Amidst all this, Mathematics could somehow keep me busy and at times fill me with wonder. I wanted to know Calculus when I was in forth standard. My dad was having a great collection of books on Mathematics. I wanted to grow up and wanted to read those books. I would flip the pages of S L Loney, Piskunov, Hall and Knights and request dad to teach me those things. He said it was too early. I was quick and started with Calculus in my ninth standard. I found it extraordinarily attracting and powerful. Time kept passing by and I came to college.
The rigid educational system made me detest the system and I started doing all sorts of things that could keep me busy. Finally, I reached a stage from where I started seeing everything worthless. The kid in me was dead by now. Nothing seemed wonderful and interesting anymore. I started walking, walking alone. I have always been a kind of person who would not bother about what others say about him, but at times words hurt. People around me found it very awkward. Somehow I kept telling myself that there was nothing wrong and I kept walking, walking alone.
Thoughts kept accumulating and I kept mum. I had friends but we never discussed what I kept thinking. I kept asking myself: ‘for how long?’ I never got any reply. I kept walking. The final year of college came with a surprise, the thoughts in my head made a kind of kaleidoscope and whenever I would close my eyes, I could see the thoughts making extraordinary formations. I didn’t know what to do. Now I felt no need to walk alone anymore. I could see things crystal clear. The only unanswered question now left with me is, “what knowledge is there inside the smallest exiting bodies in the universe? This knowledge has to be universally same and must have the power to bring itself to existence through particles or light.” I call this theory “The knowledge Energy Theory”. But with this unanswered question, I may have to live for the rest of my life. I told myself to relax and do something creative and constructive, so that my live does not becomes a living hell. I picked my pen and penned down numerous poems within no time. I can write whenever I want. I have learnt the art of writing poems even when I am asleep.
At the end of my college life I can summarize my life so far in the following words: ‘A blade of grass made the kid inside me wonder. His pursuit of knowledge drew me to Mathematics. Mathematics opened the window of imaginations. Imaginations met there end at college. College filled the heart with bitterness. Bitterness made me pursue knowledge again. Knowledge brought me to a dead end and here I am spend the rest of my days writing poems, read books and amusing myself.’

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